I read somewhere that the function of problem-solving is considered to be reaching a solution, while the function of overthinking is deemed quite the opposite; merely dwelling on the problem at hand to ultimately do nothing about it. I am a self-diagnosed overthinker, that's for sure. But, I hope I'm not totally off the mark with this assumption, I can't help feeling that we all possess a certain degree of overthinking tendencies. Sure, some people can handle them better than others, but we've all got certain things we attach a significant level of importance to for ourselves and can therefore quite easily think far too deeply about.
You know that feeling of a quick task somehow turning into a half-day mission with no definitive end in sight? Yep, overthinking can make things tiring.
With the current scenario we find ourselves navigating through, there's likely been a rise in this too, with even the simplest things seeming undeniably important due to the absence of so much else. We're surrounded by uncertainty, with a ton of caveats being thrown into the mix on what feels like a daily basis, so simply knowing the correct thing to do can be hard. There's also a lot of judgement floating around which inevitably adds to the list of 'How would I explain this to them if they didn't agree?' that we seem to meticulously skim through before doing anything.
For me (pandemic aside), overthinking has negative connotations because it can be frustrating in daily life. It gets in the way of things happening, so it's just plain annoying. And what's more annoying is that we usually can't blame anyone else for it because of course, these overthinking obstacles are just our own, put there by us to unhelpfully make things harder. But whilst I'm clearly very aware of these issues, it of course will happen again because the part where an end goal is reached in a timely manner requires a clear decision to be made, and avoiding these for as long as possible is far more fun.
I overthought writing this article (probably even more than I usually do)… now that’s some beautiful irony. But here we are, goodness knows how many proof reads and changes later, and I ‘decided’ (big step) to press publish.
"Hi, my name's Harriet, and I'm an overthinker".
Confession one: Thinking into the night
Yep, overthinking doesn't know when it’s 23:57 and therefore past sleep-time. If it did, I’m sure it would be polite and leave us be until the morning but it knows nothing of the sort. This surely stems from what we've got going on at that point in time; for example, a job interview the following day can be the perfect recipe for a bad night's sleep spent going over a list of questions you've formulated but will undoubtedly forget to ask.
In addition to being busy however, it could strike after an unproductive day because the mind doesn't feel accomplished when we switch off. We lie in bed going over all the things we were supposed to do, and absolutely 100% will (not) do tomorrow. Oh, and not forgetting my personal favourite: waking in the night completely randomly but somehow turning it into the perfect opportunity to assess why I said that to someone 11 months ago, cringe at old school memories, contemplate whether tomorrow will be the day a speeding fine arrives because I failed to notice a temporary camera 57 miles away last year, or decipher whether I'm the only person that old lady glared at for innocently forgetting to use the one-way system in Tesco Express... you name it, it'll be thought about.
It's a little rich that I'm even talking about this, since I don’t really make much effort to try and stop it happening. I’ve read countless times that writing things down is the best way to free a scrambled brain because it feels like the thoughts are being organised. However, when it comes to silly worries in the middle of the night, it feels less natural to switch the light on and write them down. Instead, so many of us continue to take totally random, completely unapparent thoughts, to bed with us (not in a good way, may I add).
Confession two: Caring too much
As people, we often care too much. But then when it comes to me... well, sometimes I care even more than that. If the blame for something lies with me, you can rest assured it won't be forgotten about for a LONG time. In fact, it will probably be a predominant feature in those night-time thoughts a few years down the line.
The trait itself, to care about someone's feelings so much that you feel sick to the stomach when you've potentially done something wrong or messed up a perfectly thought out plan, is out of genuine kindness. But it's often to the detriment of our own sanity which in turn can completely eradicate the goodness meant. Mistakes are made, we're all human. So WHY do we let ourselves worry about such mistakes that everyone else dropped almost instantaneously? Surely we should just apologise and move on.
AH. There's the issue.
If a mistake has really affected someone, saying 'sorry' just once won't cut it. We often care so much that we feel compelled to express it in a multitude of ways that usually culminates in a repetition of the 'S' word so draining to everyone that it may as well be December and the only radio station their office plays is repeating the same loop of Christmas songs day in, day out – that would almost be less annoying. But in that moment, it's impossible to clearly read the room. What's happened is nowhere near the issue we've convinced ourselves it is, but everything is blurred by worry. It pains me because I always make this mistake, but simply accepting when something has gone wrong and expressing an apology once or twice before swiftly attempting to solve the issue, shows a strong character.
Confession three: Passing things off to someone else
Involving someone else in a dilemma could mean that they end up making the final decision, which for many people is far easier. Here's a universally overthought quandary: deciding what film to watch for movie night. The easiest thing to do is reverse the decision to the other person, completely eradicating any preferences we may secretly have and avoiding the risk of a wasted few hours spent watching something nobody enjoyed because of our decision-making. It goes without saying that this is obviously a light-hearted example of something that could happen in a number of scenarios. Just picking up food from the supermarket, or having a conversation with someone on the phone, can come with a whole host of decisions that many people would rather shy away from if the option presented itself in the form of another person.
But really, while this may seem beneficial to someone else because they'll always get their way, surely they'll also feel utterly fed up with us constantly avoiding the opportunity to speak our mind and rather opting to pass any seemingly impossible decision over to them. To avoid what I fear is being a little less fun to hang around with, taking a step back to look in on the situation from an outsiders perspective can certainly help.
And when in doubt, just watch that same film you've watched 19 times before but never find boring.
Confession four: Trying (and failing) to rectify a situation that didn't even exist
Everyone knows of 'word vomit'; the art of saying or doing something without thinking about it first. Well, for many people, it's the complete opposite. Too much thought can be put into something, so when it eventually formulates it may as well have come up as quickly as vomit. The worry therefore lies in what was said being misinterpreted after so much thought really did go into it with all the right intentions.
It's then tricky to just ‘let it go’, so instead we may instantly try to repair the damage and won't stop until it's fixed. The supposed damage however, has only been made worse in our head, so we end up blurting out nonsense to people who weren't even annoyed in the first place. Situations of this nature can subsequently result in an internal debate over things that really aren't worth it – the infamous ‘what if’. We’re always wondering what might have happened if another course of action was taken.
I could leave a perfectly pleasant event and the first thing I do is question whether the answer I gave to a particular question was in fact the answer they were hoping to hear. If it was, maybe they would have reacted differently. Was I honest? Do I really know that person anyway? Maybe I should have just agreed and moved on? Honestly, it's like my entire relationship with that person is left hanging on a thread because of one thing I said. But the funny thing is, I realise now that 99% of the time I’m convinced people are focusing on me a hell of a lot more than they actually are. I'm not that memorable.
Confession five: Creating brand new problems is fun...NOT
Being faced with one singular dilemma is OK, but minutes later being faced with triple the amount of problems accumulated in an order of priority is a little less OK. For many, one simple problem can have a perceivable knock-on effect to various other things. In essence, this is a really good way to think in many professional and personal situations because it involves an automatic consideration of every possible outcome, which should theoretically mean answers are reached more effectively. But for me, it's often resulted in more work than I started with and a risk of falling behind others who have stayed on track. Quite frankly, there has to be a line between thinking deeply into something and sheer insanity
I think the key to creating problems that weren't there in the first place is spiraling. From one situation or event, it can be incredibly easy to ponder one thought and quickly spiral from that to a whole load of other points which then become hurdles to get over in order for the original thing to be OK. So really, our own thoughts have become the source of these problems and the ultimate battle is with ourselves – nobody else even considered them. Because they don't exist. Seems ridiculous doesn't it, but our minds are powerful things!
SO, there’s my confession list.
There must be so many people (I hope) that could admit to feeling guilty of the tendencies I've listed – and that’s fine! To have a grasp on what we're doing or talking to people about it is great, but the most helpful thing is usually understanding that this is completely normal.
Personally, my mind has felt so cluttered with thoughts before that there's not enough space for other genuine things to be absorbed. The overthinking of problems that don’t exist somehow stay in the forefront where other, more important things, should be taking pride of place. It’s frustrating. Each thought taking up the space is relatively useless, but of course seems highly imperative so won’t go away easily. The tidier our mind is though, surely the less likely we are to overthink because there’s more space to see the big picture? We need to try and find that hallowed window of opportunity to gradually un-pick the clutter.
I’ve spoken a lot about this fear of making the wrong decision, but really – what’s the worst that could happen? That’s a much better phrase for overthinkers to recite in their head when faced with tough situations. I totally get that it’s hard to understand, but we actually can’t control everything, no matter how much we overthink and prolong the situation. Plus, I'm slowly coming to terms with that fact that if the ‘wrong’ decision was made after all the thinking, then the world will keep turning... really.